Auto Insurance – Grand Theft Auto 5
The GTA series is famous for raising pimps: but responsible drivers? In GTA V, players can experience adulthood without help from a purple sex toy found in the police showers. The newest GTA feature: auto insurance will slap prostitutes in the face with outrageous deductibles instead. It’s the first of 10 insurance items in video games on our list. Let's go over the rest which insure our lives one level at a time.
Fairy Bottle - Legend of Zelda Series
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Nothing's more stressful than hearing the lifeline beep when an enemy's beaten you to your last heart (or piece of a heart!). Contrarily, when you're at full health and break a pot only to discover a fairy, the stress kicks in even more when prepping your bottle for capture without accidentally walking into the fairy and wasting its vitalizing powers.
Bosses store fairies outside their lairs as a cruel reminder to Link that his Hylian parents failed to open a life insurance policy (fairy) before abandoning him in the Kokiri Forest. A fairy in a bottle will save your hide when all hope and hearts are seemingly lost. The steps to use one are nearly identical to Walk the Dinosaur lyrics:
Open the Door
Get On the Floor
Everybody Watch the Fairy Restore
Chocobo Insurance - Final Fantasy XIV: Realm Reborn
The 14th installment to Final Fantasy may have been a Flash Spell in the Prospector Pan, but fanboys, fangirls, and fanoccurias can feel safe purchasing the direct sequel, Realm Reborn, because it comes with Chocobo insurance. Surprisingly, whether you live in Eorzea or Los Angeles, the laws are the same. No matter how rich you are in Grand Company Seals, you can't get your Chocobo license without coverage.
Side note: While as ornately-dressed as their Dinotopia ancestors, Chocobos have an edge on the thunder lizards who perished by meteorite: insurance from Sephiroth's Meteor.
Focus Sash - Pokemon Series
Costing 48 Battle Points, it’s the best high deductible insurance plan a 10-year-old can buy. If you're smart enough to make Mom buy it for you in HeartGold or SoulSilver, then you've probably already exploited the Level 1 Endeavor Rattata with Focus Sash too. For everyone who isn't the Joey, the Top Percentage of Rattatas Trainer, a pokemon wearing a focus sash will endure a one-hit KO move with 1 hit point remaining 100% of the time. If you need further explanation, save Joey’s number in your phone and he’ll give you a- oh, you’re already on the phone with him? I see how it is.
Balloon - Donkey Kong Country Returns
Please. Someone who's completed the 6th Level in the Volcano World come over and beat it so I can move on with my life. Luckily, Donkey Kong's volatile grandpa, Cranky Kong keeps his store open 24-7 because I've bought more balloons than the equally-cantankerous old man from Up. Balloons in Donkey Kong are extra lives: a life insurance policy similar to the elusive green 1-Ups in Mario.
1-UP Mushroom – Super Mario Series
As noted previously, these elusive green mushrooms have the same effect as their red helium-filled counterparts in Donkey Kong. If you need further explanation then go bounce around until you hit an invisible box and swallow whatever comes at your face.
Green and Red Shells – Mario Kart Series
A low deductible auto insurance plan (which really doesn’t cost anything and is totally random) can be acquired by running over a mystery box and obtaining green or red shells. These leftover koopah remains will encircle the player’s kart, ready for deployment to be used offensively or in this case, defensively. When an opponent shoots a shell at you, especially a red one, prepare to be stalked like Piper Chapman in prison. To defend yourself, launch your shell at the incoming danger and knock it off the track. There’s just no stopping Princess Daisy if she corners you in the cafeteria.
Death Flower – The Sims 3
Level 10 Anglers and Level 7 Gardeners inspecting the Pleasant Rest Graveyard can acquire the Unknown Special Seed, which when planted, will grow the mysterious Tim Burton-inspired Death Flower. It’s the creepiest life insurance policy you can open next to hiring the Burger King as your bodyguard. When your Sim dies from old age or a smoke detector-less kitchen fire, the Grim Reaper will appear ready for your soul. Instead of bending over backwards for the greedy specter, bribe Him with your Death Flower and He’ll be happy to resurrect you until the next mummy curse.
Spare Body – Megaman & Bass
Auto takes screws as payment. Don’t take that the wrong way. He actually turns screws (also known as bolts for some reason) into weaponry and armor for Mega Man, the heroic android. When selling the necessary Spare Body, which acts as an extra life for Mega Man, Auto outright describes it as “Think of it as life insurance, the more you have, the better off you are.” How could we leave it off the list?
Zombie Insurance Notice – Resident Evil Outbreak
While this isn’t an obtainable item, it reminds the player that zombie insurance might not be that bad to buy in the real world. It’s actually sold for $14.95 a year at Zaico Insurance. Throw in 3 more bucks and you’ll get a plastic insurance card for your wallet: an item more useful for unlocking doors when zombie hordes sashay your way.
Thanks for play- er, reading!