by Chris Huckins Google+ Email 


20 November 2013

10 Etsy Gifts for Your Uninsured Friends

Posted in General Information

    So your friends think they don't need insurance?

   Shop at Etsy. These Obamacare alternatives just may not provide any serious coverage:

1)  Annuvian Crystal Resonance Bed Healing System

Seller: IndigoMetalWorks

What is it? It's a bed rigged to hold rainbow crystals over the person (or galactic being of light) and balance Chakras. This "heals" you on a spiritual level.

What does it cover? Protects the body from old energy systems 

How much? $11,111.00

2)  Passive Aggressive Acrylic Painting

Seller: TravorONeil

What is it? Click to see for yourself.

What does it cover? That hole you punched in the wall after a billing dispute with your insurance carrier.

How much? $250,000.00 (or the salary of Stephen Hemsley, CEO of UHC)

3)  2-foot Amethyst Cathedral Geode

Seller: WhyteLightCrystals

What is it? If placed in your doorway it protects the owner from psychic attacks and transmutes energies to otherworldly realms without using bandwidth.

What does it cover? Home insurance and mental health

How much? $1,200.00

4)  Saturn Crystal Power Sphere

Seller: CrystalRemedies

What is it? This massage tool for pain relief can be rolled in your hands or gifted at weddings. Either way it might cure Lupus so tell Lady Gaga.

What does it cover? Travel insurance for astral projection

How much? $488.91 (or a round trip flight from Los Angeles to Boston)

5) Joe Biden Fridge Magnet (Viewer Discretion is Advised)

Seller: psychedelictara

What is it? This magnet reminds us of the Veep's cursing before President Obama spoke on the Affordable Care Act. Hipster friends without insurance would appreciate owning one to be ironic.

What does it cover? It insures your house will never lack a conversation piece.

How much? $3.99

6)  Garlic 14 Karat Rose Gold Pendant Charm

Seller: LiatWaldmanJewelry

What is it? Necklace with a golden garlic bulb.

What does it cover? Protects against golden vampires (Wooden stakes can't pierce 'em)

How much? $950.00

7)  OBAMACARE Survival Kit

Seller: TheJunkDynasty

What is it? It's literally a 1977 Fisher Price Medical Kit.

What does it cover? In case your friends ask why you can't pay your medical bills, use this alibi: "I spent 2 grand on a gimmicky toy instead of an insurance plan."

How much? I just told you: $2,000.00

8)  Haunted High Priest Vessel

Seller: MalikAzarus

What is it? The owner claims many items were acquired by risking his life but doesn't go far enough to say this is one of them.

Either way, the item binds the most powerful Zoroastrian High Priest like Robin Williams in a lamp. No guarantee He will sing Persian show tunes.

What does it cover? Blocking negative energies and spirits

How much? $13,333.00 (but he will barter over its "spiritual value")

9)  Alien Wedding Course

Seller: JelilaHealing

What is it? In ancient Sumeria, the alien race of Annunaki influenced early humans to feel desperate for money.

This personal transformation course book and set of healing music cds intends to mind wipe your dependency on currency. Though it may ironically incline you to need more cash after blowing $1000.

What does it cover? Should an alien Suze Orman judge mankind's frugality, this purchase will protect one lucky buyer from humiliation.

How much? $1,100.00

10)  Passive Aggressive Obamacare Greeting Cards

Seller: eyedot

What is it? For insurance agents who lack empathy, mail these cards and see how few clients they attract.

What does it cover? In case you can't recite excerpts of the Affordable Care Act to debunk death panel rumors, use these as pwnage on your conservative friends.

How much? $7.50